Delve deep into the abyss of my mind

Today I realized my ability to delve into writing and just let go and let the words take over. I wrote about what today brought forth, but imagine if I wrote about something with some substance or about an incident that occurred or I witnessed, how incredible it would be to see how many hours I could spend with my keyboard. I forgot what it was like to freely express myself without hesitation or paranoia and not wanting anyone to read what I truly think, feel and have been a party too. There are so many things I need to speak on to get them out of my head to release the pressure that has built up inside me, choking the very life I desperately try to lead. So many people for so many years have spoken to me about how powerful my writing is and how I need to pursue it or write a book, and I always replied: Oh, thank you, but inside I felt like I had no talent or purpose in this life and nothing is worth pursuing except getting high. I actually have real talent!! I do and I’m not the failure my dad always made me feel like, I actually matter to more than just my mom and my son and husband, etc. There are people who I haven’t even touched yet with the wisdom, inspiration, and experience I have. There really is something to what all those people have been telling me since I was 14. I chose to party and f__k off at that ripe young age when what I should have done was nurture my gift and prepare it to share with the people around me and maybe even the world. Who knows where I could have been, had I chosen to walk down the other path? But no use in dwelling on the past. God has me right where he wants me and I had to go through the trials and tribulations to arrive at the present moment. Because I inflicted so much turmoil in my life and those around me, I am able to grow and learn from the past in hopes to share my pain with someone who may be suffering from the same insanity and those who may be headed toward it may hear my story and decide to travel the other road. My only desire is for God’s will to flow through me and within me so that I am able to do his work and be the best version of myself, not just for me but for my family and especially my son. I pray that He will break the cycle by working his will through me and preventing my son from developing the same nasty behaviors I was not fortunate enough to withstand. I know now that in order for me to guide my son through greener pastures, I had to grow into the unselfish mother I am learning to be.
– Soul of Aly

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